Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Kristen, I'm going with the topic of murder for my research paper. The media thing was a dead end and too confusing for me.There are a lot of sources on that subject matter and also it may help me come to some conclusions myself. Secondly I'm sorry i am so late on all my work...something has changed ,my anger no longer keeps me going. Somehow the wind is gone and I am left in this neutral emotion with absolutely no energy or strife. I am forcing myself to get stuff done again till im back in motion.Thanks for your patience.I handed off all foundation matters to my sister and most management issues to nelson freeing up more time.I'm still crawling through this and trying not to quit on anyone who needs my help. Mike was my hero, brother,God father to my children, mentor and spiritual teacher.He was also the only family member who really helped me unconditionally. he never made you feel bad about your choices and was there to help you pick up the pieces and move forward. I still can't fathom living without my kind and dear brother in my life.I just spent 3 days sleeping with only getting up for an hour or two, some kind of a stress crash. also, my counsler changed my appointment on me this week,not a good time for me to put it off,I guess it can wait till next week nothing is going to change.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I got a call from dan today he wants me to go to the cook county jail tomorrow and get the whole story about Mikes case. am I ready? are you ever? as he was crying on the phone to me the tears welled up in my eyes as I realized how much dan loved Mike and called him his uncle.We all want resolution so bad to go to such lengths to get it seems insane. But, my intuition already told me I was going and three people I asked all told me to go.Feeling already like hamburger meat so what could it possibly hurt? I'm already a basket case,bundle of raw nerves and so on. I know that if I do not go I will always wonder if I got the truth or if the information could have helped the D A solve the case. as it is it seems really week on one of the assailants.Why me? I ask, who else will listen my intuition says.It (my intuition) has not steered me wrong yet when I listen, but when I guess I'm almost always wrong.How can the sub-conscious be so right and the "rational" conscious mind be mostly incorrect.Brittany is totally against me going but I will go.I must go. Only when I'm in front of a person can i sense if there lying or telling the truth.Mike be there with me and keep me strong and calm...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
10 months ago Mike got killed,now being a victim of violent crime I can know what it does to others. The ups and downs are an extreme I have never before experienced with the emotional turmoil like no other issue. Being plunged back into a world(central Chicago)that I left twenty years ago has been frustrating and disheartening. I don't want to do this anymore. I fight within myself the reasons I am still heading this project and it isn't clear anymore. Even though I am the only family member that can and will complete this task I do wish i had more help. I don't feel safe anymore, and even when I'm threatened it takes police 35 minutes to arrive. God help me finish this task ,sell the building and get on with my life. Please send buyers and fast my resolve is weening. I'm crumbling under the weight and complexity of this task. mistakes are few and far between, I don't expect perfection, but I do want completion. I want out....soon.The last 300 days have been such a challenge. Today I was provided a sign negotiator, thank you baby Jesus,I was out of my mind when i accepted that task. Today I get an estimate from a structural engineer and knowing the condition the foundation is in it's not going to be cheep.I'm currently out of my mind so leave a message.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
What an amazing day,such gifts of trust and friendship I am truly blessed. The pain is at bay and I am functional once more.Fire at the restaurant did more damage than I thought and with the gas co. coming out monday to fix 3 broken valves and the foundation problems I'm feeling trapped. I wish the building would sell but even with 116,000 a year income it won't move for what its worth.the bidders aren't even in the ball park. If I am stuck doing this for some time I want to spread out the work so i'm not so overwhelmed.between the bus work, school work, house work and soon census I can't do it anymore than 1 day a week. Thank God spring break is coming soon.I want this to be over but I can't force the issue so toslow it down seems the only alternative.Happy 20 baby......
Thursday, March 11, 2010
REALLY BAD DAY.fUCKIN' A.Don't want to be hereb ,don't want to be doing this ....feel like crying....don't have time.Suck it up Nora really it's been ten months now,I know the trial is starting soon.....you probably won't be able to be there ...you can't handle any more details ....tooo painful....but ,who will be there for Brittany.He was my favorite brother,he saved my life more than once. also saved me from jail. i really miss him,it really hurts.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What do I talk about with friends:economy,how to get by,advice on issues,housing crisis,depression,God,hope for a better tomorrow.The thing I hate about the news is it's 90% or more bad news only.When they caught the people charged with my brothers death it was on page 5 and a small article.However ,when he got killed it was front page in papers and 1st on the news for 5 or more nights. Never see updates on stories.Little or no positive stories of hope or helping others.World affairs are over my head. i can't even get a grip on my world much less someone else's.Movies:Ghost movies and comedies and different ones like,Labrinth,boondock saints,constitine,equaliberium,nothin' to lose with martin laurence is one of my favorites.I love a good movie. You completely check out of your life and are in someone else's for 2 hours.So it seems.Pitch black, benny and june and narnia are some others I like.Theres still so many I haven't seen. Television now consists of news and a couple of off beat shows like medium and house and greys anatomy. I only have a converter box so I only get 5 channels even though I have an antenna as big as a car.Fuck You digital converter box and FCC for changing frequencies. probably write my paper on Mike's death the police screw ups and the shitty 911 center and all the fucked up laws that allow squatters to stay and fine you if they're selling drugs.
After evicting the bar guy and hearing about the unsuccessful raid for drugs on the restaurant I know I'm in danger. The restaurant owner would not show up on saturday and explain why the door to the basement had a new lock on it. There is no reason to lock that door unless your hiding something.My nephew danny and I busted it off and also broke off the lock attachments. We already told him not to lock it so the meters can get read as necessary. Now I have to go back sunday a give more eviction papers to a tenant who boyfriend already threatened me.The structural engineer is trying to charge me 700.00 for an estimate on work to be done to the foundation.He says if I don't pay him he'll turn my dangerous building in to the city of chicago violations department.Fucking assholes, do they think I was born yesterday? Lets see how he likes responding to the Attorney General's office.PIG.Well I will now attempt to do my real homework, no promises though.